To the person who has been dumping his trash along the east end of Quarry Road:
You don’t know me; but I feel, after Saturday, that I know you. I apologize for not introducing myself sooner, but to be honest, this is my first time taking part in Green Up Day. (Not that picking up after people is new to me; it’s just that I usually only do it for close relatives.)
I myself don’t throw junk out of my car because I generally keep it on the back seat or let it roll around on the floor. So right off the bat I know that you have a cleaner car than me and you pay less for curbside trash service than we do. Kudos to you for saving a buck.
But judging from the kinds of stuff you left on the ground, it seems like you might be under a lot of stress lately. If you’ll pardon my being nosy, Dude, you ought to think about some lifestyle changes.
I know you are a guy because we found your pants. They’re still in fine shape, which leads me to believe that they flew out of your car accidentally. Perhaps a bug crawled down them while you were driving and you wriggled out of them in a panic. This has happened with a spider in my bra before, so I know what it’s like, although I managed to keep my clothes on.
Or maybe you had to toss them because they were getting a bit tight around the middle. Well, from the way you’ve been eating, it’s no wonder. You might want to lay off the Ring Dings a bit.
If you follow the news much, you’ve probably learned that “super-sizing” is not so good for the waistline. From the number of McDonald’s bags I found, I can guess that you’re not getting enough fiber or green vegetables. And as for breakfast, a bag of Dunkin Donuts doesn’t really cut it. Have you considered switching to a bowl of oatmeal and a banana?
I don’t feel it’s my place to judge your drinking habits, so I’ll just leave it at this: If you’re going to toss a few back, maybe you ought not to mix wine coolers and beer on the same night. The empty ibuprofen wrappers tell me you’re no stranger to the occasional hangover.
Now, about the smoking: I picked up about 250 cigarette butts, and quite a few empty packs. I don’t want to harp on the nicotine thing because I’m sure you’ve tried to quit. It’s an addiction. I understand. But I didn’t see any Nicotrol cartons or wrappers for the Patch. Maybe you should check with your doctor.
To my dismay, I found no multivitamin bottles. Given your diet and the amount you smoke, you might want to start taking some sort of supplement. Better yet, eat some whole fruits and vegetables. Five a day, my man. Five a day.
Are you letting yourself go because you’re lonely? Well, if you want to meet that special someone, you might want to think about presenting yourself a little better. I didn’t see any empty packs of breath mints, and between the coffee and the smoking, you could probably knock over a Holstein at 20 paces. I’m sure you’re a nice guy. A little personal hygiene goes a long way in the romance department, that’s all.
I’ll probably be cleaning the same section of road next year, and I’ll be keeping an eye on your trash. I hope I’ll be finding fewer cigarette butts and beer bottles, and more skim-milk cartons, carrot bags, banana peels, and water bottles. And, with any luck, some slimmer pants.
To kick off a new healthy lifestyle, I suggest you start small. Throw out one of those thick rubber bands that come around fresh broccoli or the cotton packing that comes in a bottle of B-12 capsules. If you keep at it, before long, you’ll be chucking empty salad containers like a true health nut.
And maybe once you’ve got the diet thing down, add some exercise. For example, you can toss low-fat yogurt cartons from a mountain bike. Whatever works for you.
Just promise me you’ll take care of yourself. Stay healthy, and you’ll be littering right on into your golden years.
I believe that, Dude. I really do.
