As 2004 winds down, the pressure is on. Have you made your New Year’s resolutions yet?
It’s tricky. If you opt out of this tradition, you may be implying that you have no room for improvement. Who couldn’t stand to get in better shape next year? Take a good look at your upper arm flesh and say with a straight face, “I don’t need to make any resolutions.” Get real.
But don’t go overboard. Under the influence of too much André and taco dip, you may find yourself proudly proclaiming your last-minute New Year’s resolutions out loud. Let’s say you announce that 2005 is the year you finally run the Boston Marathon, give 10 percent of your income to charity, and grow all your own food. Either you’re going to fail, driving your self-esteem down to nothing all year, or you’re going to succeed, becoming the kind of intensely driven, self-satisfied goody-two-shoes no one wants to hang out with. Is that what you want?
Experts say the secret is to choose a realistic resolution. For instance, forget running the Boston Marathon. Set your sights a little lower, like the Turkey Trot. If that’s still a long shot, then maybe promise to stop driving to your mailbox to collect the mail each day. Get it?
I’ve made hundreds of New Year’s resolutions over the years. Alas, I haven’t kept most of them, but I think I’ve finally found a way to turn that to my advantage.
And to yours.
In the spirit of holiday giving, I have decided to sell my old resolutions at bargain-basement prices.
What are you in the market for? If you want never-been-used resolutions, consider one of the following. I’ve got, factory sealed in their original packages, resolutions to Stop Gambling, Quit Smoking and Wear Your Seatbelt. Individually, they sell for $29.95 each, but as a package, they go for just $79.95. Plus, if you act before the first of the year, I’ll throw in a fourth unused resolution—Give Up Shoplifting—absolutely free!
I also have a huge supply of gently used resolutions, which I am selling for $9.99 apiece. These are resolutions that I stuck to briefly, but that still have 11 or so months left on them. These include several years’ worth of Lose 10 Pounds, some of which have 8 or 9 pounds left in the box. Thanks to my lack of willpower, a couple of these have actually appreciated; that means you can buy a resolution with a face value of 10 pounds and get up to 15 pounds for the same price. People, it’s a steal.
For $42.50, I have a 35-piece lot of barely touched Get Organized resolutions, including Put Bills in One Place and Keep Extra Supply of Coffee Filters on Hand.
Alternatively, since resolutions rarely last a whole year, you may choose to join the Resolution-of-the-Month Club. For $100, you will get a fresh resolution delivered to your door every month.
In January, for example, you’ll receive the one-month resolution, Quit Saying “Boy, It’s Cold Out There.”
This will be followed in February by Don’t Listen to the Hedgehog. This resolution will remind you that despite a few sunny days, spring is not, in fact, six weeks away. Ceremonially burn those gorgeous but misleading seed catalogs.
As an added bonus, the Resolution-of-the-Month club comes with a free “floating” resolution for your birthday month: Stop Saying “I’m Not Getting Older, I’m Getting Better.” People hate that.
And finally, if you just can’t decide, how about reaching into the Like-New Resolutions Grab Bag? For just $8.95, you could find yourself with any of my well-intentioned but underused resolutions, such as Eat Fewer Milk Duds, Fold Clothes As Soon As the Dryer Stops, and Shave Legs Every Week, Even in Winter.
Please note: Because of my success with a couple of past resolutions, Cut Back on Caffeine and Put Recycling Out on the Correct Day are no longer available.
After the stress of Christmas, New Year’s Eve should be a fun and relaxing event. Make it easy for yourself by purchasing one or more of my new or “new-to-you” resolutions. Operators are standing by.
